Dear Abby - 3

dear abby,

i just moved to a new city and I'm having trouble meeting new friends. I'm in my 30's now and I just don't know how to find women friends! Can you help?

Andrea


I have to admit, this question kinda stumped me a little bit, as it made me realize my social circle isn't all that large! {not to toot my own horn,} but I have gained some new friends this year so I do have a few places to look! {meaning, most of my college friends no longer lived in town and we sought out friends who were at our same stage in life!}

Hands down, the main place I have developed my best friendships are through our church. Over the past year we have gotten really involved in a Sunday school class and a small group. Our S.S. class is listed for nearly/newly weds, though we have a good mix of newlyweds, married several years without kids and some with children. The small group is more of a newlywed group (we've been married 3 years and are kinda the old fogies in the group!) and we've help to serve in a type of facilitator role.

The thing about making friendships is that you have to put yourself out there, which can be a very scary thing. It may mean attending the women's retreat when you're not sure who's going, purposefully sitting by a new person during Sunday school, asking someone if they want to go grab coffee. Sometimes, putting yourself out there doesn't always go like you dream. Take our first encounter with our Sunday School class:

We started trying out new churches in April of 2010 and by August, we found one we wanted to stick with. Before making a solid commitment, we wanted to try out the young married class. {the one we now attend} The first class went great and they were having a social that week and invited us. Feeling adventurous, we said yes and put it on our calendar.

Thursday comes around and we head to PrimeTime, which is a family fun center with bowling, putt putt, go carts, etc. I believe we all planned on bowling that night, but something happened and it was busy so we ended up putt putting. We all pay and get out there and almost instantly, people who already know each other pair up and are out playing. It seriously seemed like everyone was playing speed putt putt. They were getting through each whole at lightening speed and immediately moving on, without stopping to talk and spend time together, you know, the whole point of a social.

Cody and I ended up playing with the S.S. teachers. While we had fun getting to know them, we both finished the round of putt putt feeling very left out and not really sure that we could be included in the class. The group ended up going to get snow cones afterward, and we got pressured into going with them. Snow cones ended up being exactly what we needed. Once everyone was in a contained area, we were able to sit down and actually have conversations with the people in the class.

If you had asked us at for an opinion of the class after we finished putt putt, I'm not sure that Cody and I would say that we'd go back. We put a little more effort into it and stepped out of our comfort zone and it's really paid off in terms of friendships. All that to say, if you attend a Sunday School class or small group and it first doesn't seem to succeed, take a chance and give it another shot.

While I'm not a mom yet so I can't verify that these will work out, MOPS, reading groups at the library, or even Chick Fil A (ours has a kids group one morning a week I believe) would be a good place to meet moms and hopefully establish some play group friends.

We live in a semi big city (120,000 people) and they have some fun options available for personal growth and potential friendships. Tryout a cooking class, join the book club through the library, go to a poem reading at the coffee shop.

Making new friends can be really hard. Even when you find a place that has potential friends there (church, reading club,cooking class) there's still the fear of putting yourself out there and it not working out. {being rejected is the phase that keeps going through my head.}  Trying to meet new people and it not working out doesn't have to be taken personally {though much easier said than done.} We've all had friendships in our life that just naturally clicked, we've had some that have taken a little work, and then there's people we know we probably don't want to be close friends with.  So if you meet someone and you don't click, keep putting yourself out there. Eventually you'll reach your snow cone stand!

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have a question for dear abby? send an email to abbyneinast{at}gmail dot com!

{please know that while we may have had a slightly rough start, we really do love our sunday school class and are super blessed by them!}