welcome to the desert.

its late, and i currently have the alarm set for 5:14 so that i can get up and go work out. i hope i succeed at that. and even though i know i should be going to sleep, i cannot sleep if these words do not come out of me.


LP and i were talking the other day about how college graduations are horrible. and no one writes books on the life transition between graduating college and being a college graduate. this is a life transition that is so much harder than high school to college. at least then you know what your focus is going to be for the next four years.

i was very mad that i had to graduate early. i wanted no part of it, i wanted to finish out my four years. why in the heck did i ever think those dual credit classes were a good idea? the first semester after i graduated wasn't as hard as i expected it to be. my friends were busy with sigma alpha pledging, and i knew how time consuming it was. thankfully that was right about the time cody and i started dating, so it worked out well for our relationship that i wasn't involved in the club anymore. may was when the real changes began. this was my first true lasts, when the girls who had helped define my college years also became college graduates, but they all moved back to the metroplex. i didn't see it at the time, but my summer was devoted to cody, and first baptist church. my job at the church was so much more than just a job, it truly became my new identity. i knew and was known by the kids, i had my place, i knew what to expect on sundays. i loved who i got to become at the church.

i also knew that my job at the church could not go anywhere. so in october, i applied for the job at HSU which i got and started in november. november and december were strange months of transition. it was a time of knowing that everything i have known to be church for the past two years was changing. and possibly the scariest thing of all, my identity was changing with it.

january 13 marked cody and i's one year anniversary, and was also the first day we attended church together as a couple. crazy huh? i remember asking for a order of worship, halfway joking, while knowing that crosspoint doesn't do things that way. or in any way similar to first baptist. it has been good to be able to go to church with cody. i can see a lot of good that has come into our relationship because of it. it, however, has not been easy. this may sound extreme, but i feel as if i have been stripped of my identity, and now am only equated as Cody's fiance, abby. don't get me wrong, i love being known as his fiance, but my identity has never been so bare before.

today at church i spent a lot of time thinking about who i am, what is my identity and how is that reflected in my life and friendships around me. you see, i was lucky last january to not deal as much with the emotional side of graduating. may was hard, yet it still felt like summer and that soon they would all be back. i never would have guessed that ending my job at first baptist would feel like losing a part of who i am, and would be the onset of emotional roller coasters.

i am entering a new phase of life and my friendships are reflecting it. some, like shea and leslie, will grow closer because we will all be in the marriage club. i'm sure it will be different with jaymie, still good, but different until we're in the same club again. i knew they would change, and i'm only partially griping about the changes. i will accept them, yet in the same manner i do not like to see a visual in front of my house every day that screams to me "our friendship is changing. thank you for your time but i am finished with you now."

the pastor was gone today and the guest speaker was talking about a rob bell video, breath. i know i have seen it, and to be honest i almost zoned out. yet my interest peaked when he began talking about the desert, and how some how during hard times many people in the bible were lead to the desert and stayed there a while... we are never told that God wasn't present in the desert, and He usually did incredible things there. i almost missed the key part of the message because i was whining and moaning about losing my identity. and then it clicked that maybe i was in this identity desert for a purpose.

i have to believe that. and believe that some how the Lord can take my tears and anger at the sight of my visual remind that things are changing and use them for good. i have to believe in His presence just as i believe in my own breath. and someday, i hope i make it out and the desert becomes my dessert, and until then, i will wait.